Edit My Paper (2 pages)

Below is my teacher comments about my paper. I want you to edit my paper based on these comments: I NEED AT LEAST 23 OUT OF 25 TO GET A.Purpose & Focus: 10.25/15Organization & Transitions: 4.5/5Tone & Editing: 4.5/5 Overall Grade: 19.25/25Nice start! You have identified a problem and have established that it is, in fact, a problem. Crime in the streets is certainly a pressing issue that calls for a speedy resolution. While you have discussed this general problem fairly well, you have actually not specified what area you are writing about. Crime can occur anywhere, of course, but the particularities of each community certainly matter. Some of the contributing factors you name, such as inadequate street lighting or scarce police presence, may not be factors in every area experiencing a crime wave. Being specific about the location of the problem can help you to explain to your audience the particular nuances of that area and also help you to better develop a unique solution tailored to that area. Your overall scope here is good, and I have no doubt that the statistics you cite back you up. However, the assignment calls for you to identify a local problem and then to propose, develop, and defend one particular solution. You are getting there, but have not quite done that yet. If you choose to revise, I recommend editing this work to address a local issue of crime and to focus on just one way to address the problem. It might not be the absolute solution, but just try to focus on advancing the best solution you can think of. Overall, this is a start in the right direction with room for improvement. Nice start!
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Purpose & Focus: 10.25/15
Organization & Transitions: 4.5/5
Tone & Editing: 4.5/5
Overall Grade: 19.25/25
Nice start! You have identified a problem and have established that it is, in fact, a problem. Crime
in the streets is certainly a pressing issue that calls for a speedy resolution. While you have
discussed this general problem fairly well, you have actually not specified what area you are
writing about. Crime can occur anywhere, of course, but the particularities of each community
certainly matter. Some of the contributing factors you name, such as inadequate street lighting or
scarce police presence, may not be factors in every area experiencing a crime wave. Being specific
about the location of the problem can help you to explain to your audience the particular nuances
of that area and also help you to better develop a unique solution tailored to that area. Your overall
scope here is good, and I have no doubt that the statistics you cite back you up. However, the
assignment calls for you to identify a local problem and then to propose, develop, and defend one
particular solution. You are getting there, but have not quite done that yet. If you choose to revise,
I recommend editing this work to address a local issue of crime and to focus on just one way to
address the problem. It might not be the absolute solution, but just try to focus on advancing the
best solution you can think of.
Overall, this is a start in the right direction with room for improvement. Nice start!
To: The Daily Mail
Dear Editor,
There has been a lot of cases lately about crimes on the streets. Despite the cities of
America having safe neighborhood some have been reported to have the most dangerous streets.
People can now no longer walk freely during the night and at times even during the day. Some of
these violent crimes on the streets include robbery with violence, rape, assault, and murder. The
main target for the crimes are the elderly people and the ladies. This has made a lot of people
fear to be on the streets since they feel unsafe. Street crimes have been rated as one of the most
violent forms of crimes, and this is because most of the victims a street crime is injured badly or
worse as they die. Most of the people committing the crimes are the crimes are the young adults
those who have no jobs and are engaging in drugs and alcohol. They do this, so they can get the
money to buy the drugs and the alcohol.
This is such a misfortune that people can no longer enjoy long walks in the streets. How
about those who keep fit by jogging in the wee hours of the morning? Does it mean that they
have to stop? Something needs to be done to stop the rate of crimes in the streets. There is the
importance of having more comprehensive ways tackling street crimes which will involve more
than the justice system. It is important to look at the causal factors when coming up with the
strategies. These strategies should be able to reduce the criminal opportunities in the streets. One
of the solutions is to have more law enforcement on the streets. With more policemen patrolling
the streets those engaging in crimes will be afraid of being caught meaning they are going to
keep off. The police officers should be strategically positioned in the areas that are most prone to
the crimes. A car patrol would also minimize the crimes since the offenders will not want to be
caught in action. The cost implications on this would have to fall under the government since
they will be the one in charge of adding the personnel.
Another solution is to involve the community. The community should come up with
some programs and strategies that they think are appropriate for stopping the rate of crimes. The
community can come up with strategies that can be used to curb the use of drugs and as well as
alcohol consumptions. An example of such a strategy is counseling. If the young adults are
counseled on the negative effects alcoholism and drug abuse some may end up quitting,
therefore, reducing the rate of crime. This strategy is very inexpensive, it just needs the
community members to be able to come together and volunteer and offer the skills that they
have.
Proper lighting is another thing that I would think is a good solution. Most of the crimes
are taking place in the dark allies. This is because those performing the crimes are able to hide
well without being spotted. People tend to shy away from coming crimes when they know that
they can be seen. With proper lighting, there will be no darker allies. In most cases, light has
always been associated with safety. People will start feeling safe, and they can go about
conducting their business in the usual way. Unlike the other strategies, this may be the most
expensive since the proper lighting system will have to be put up. But the benefits outweigh the
cost.
Take a look at the current research and the statistics you will find out that what I am
saying is true. This being said it is a high time that people took this issue seriously, and the
necessary measures are put in place to stop these crimes. Say yes to safe streets!
Yours Sincerely,

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